Summertime

What is it about summer? The days seem to fly by. I used to think it was because those were the only days in which I was "free" from the confines of school and order. I could sleep as late as I wanted and summer usually meant vacation in Alabama........family, the river, fireworks........ahhh the good ole' days! Now that I'm grown only one thing has changed. Work is here no matter the season. For some reason, though, even with the longest days of the whole year......they seem to fly by still.

It's weird that even though time seems to be passing so quickly this year that I still find myself waiting. Waiting for the go ahead from my doctor and my body to begin a new cycle of treatment. I know I've proclaimed several "parts" of this whole process to be my least favorite......but really....this time that I'm in right now has got to be the worst! Waiting.......waiting......waiting. Not really any bad news for a few weeks but just no news at all. I'm left waiting...and wondering if maybe our miracle has come and we just don't know it yet, or if my body is trying to "kick" itself into gear to begin another round, or if it's just not cooperating. During this time things seem to be quiet.......from the doctor's office, from my body, and even from God. I know that sometimes He gives us seasons of "quietness".......and I'm ok. Over the last couple of weeks some things have really been impressed upon my heart as I ponder and pray about things. A certain contemporary christian song comes to mind, actually....." I'm trading my sorrows" I have heard this song for years....and it's always been ok.......until now. Now it's my anthem. Isn't it funny how God can take something that you've heard or read for years and then reveal it to you again when you need it the most. Yes....I am waiting. Yes....I am wondering. Yes.....at times I'm even questioning..............but no matter what......the joy of the Lord will be my strength. Though the sorrow may last for the night.........the joy comes in the morning!

M.I.A.

So they tell me my follicles (which hold the eggs) disappeared. I just don't believe it. Where did it go in just 2 days?(We had seen via u/s a big growing egg just 2 days before) Hmmmmm........could God be at work here. Josh and I have been feeling throughout our prayers that God is telling us the answer is on it's way. Soon. I'm believing He's working here....this did not happen by chance. The day of the u/s (last Wed.) I wasn't ok....but thanks to God's faithfulness and a believing husband and father/mother-in-law now I am. Did you know that you could have prayer meeting in your bedroom??....I mean....good "old fashioned" cry your heart out prayer meeting...yep! Of course Josh's whole nightstand/curtains got annointed right there along with my head by mistake.....yes.....my sweet husband spilled the WHOLE bottle of annointing oil on our nightstand. He says-"Wow. The wood is really going to be shiny now". --gotta love him! But truly----it was a special time. One of many lately. I've been married to Josh for 5 years and we've been "together" as a couple of 11 but NEVER have I felt as connected as I have to him lately. Yes- we have prayed together in the past. I remember a very special night in Mexico on the floor at the mission we were staying at where I believe God spoke to both of us and told us we were meant for each other but WOW---the intimate times with God we have been having!! I really believe that when your heart is totally broken (which ours seems to be more and more by the day) you can stand(or in our case-fall) before God and something really special happens. All the walls are down. When you have nothing else to lose and no where else to turn your attention really focuses on Him. I praise God for my believing husband who has been such a pillar of strength and wisdom for me on those days where I just break and feel like I want to give up. Yes-infertility has placed stress on our marriage BUT God has used to to bring us closer than we EVER have been before. I see Josh's heart in a new way each and every time he holds me and hurts because I hurt---each time I see him bow before Almighty God and plead for Him to make a way. It's a humbling experience.

I go for -MORE- bloodwork today. yay. We're looking to see if indeed I did ovulate even though my follies were M.I.A. Maybe we'll see high numbers....maybe we won't but I know that God's working.......that's all that matters!

Jesus I trust you.
I remember your promises.
Your faithfulness amazes me each and every day.
Even when my heart is filled with doubt you remain.
Steadfast...standing in the gap for me.
Oh Lord I am honored to be called a daughter of God.
I am blessed beyond measure to be held in your hand.
I know that before you even formed me in my mother's womb you knew me.
You knew everything about me.
Nothing that has happened in my life and nothing that will ever happen in my life is a surprise to you.
Just as the sun rises each morning so is your love for your children.
You know my heart.
You know my hopes.
You know my dreams.
You know my fears.
I search to know your heart.
I run with every fiber of my being after you.
May your wonders never cease in my life.
May I grow to love you more with each passing day.
You are my God.
You are my love.
You are my life.

Clomid

This is our first clomid cycle. I'm not quite sure of what to expect. I've heard such horror stories of clomid symptoms and keep thinking to myself........how am I going to work while being a total basket case. I'm on day #3 of 5 pills and no symptoms yet other than a light headache off and on. I'm experiencing a calmness that is unlike me. I claim that it's God sent and have prayed continuously for Jesus' peace.....I guess I just doubted to be quite honest that I could actually experience it. It's a weird feeling. Someone one the "outside" would probably read that I'm distancing myself from a letdown or a failed cycle......but no.......it's more like I'm ok. I'm ok because I know that God loves me. It's just that simple.....hard to explain really....other than just that......God loves me. Nothing.....NOTHING....can ever seperate me from His love. There's a peace in knowing that I've given my heart's desires to Him and knowing that He knows what is best for my life. Although I would have never thought before.....there is a freedom in giving over the control.(Like He wasn't always, anyways. LOL.) For myself, though, giving up the reigns that I so often try and cling to was hard........but the peace that follows.....wow. I'm excited about the weeks to come....looking forward to seeing what God has planned for our lives.....but I'm not "chomping" at the bit like usual. Thank you Jesus, for the little things that are such big things to me.

Another One...........still patiently(well...sometimes) waiting

Today I find out that another couple in our "group" is going to have a baby. They have been married for less than a year and both have at least 6 years on both Josh and I. It just seems unfair. I am trying to be happy for them.....and I am......it's what they desire.....but I can't help not to wonder........WHY???? Why not us God? Why not now? Financially we are in much better standing than most of our friends. We've been married longer than almost all of them. We have a big family support system. WHY?????? I think I'm entering into the angry side of things. I can say what I want and say that I don't feel a certain way but the truth is that deep down...I do. I don't understand. I don't understand why God would put such a strong desire and longing for children and then not bless?????? Yes, people want to tell you that in time.....most people go on to have kids......it just takes a while; but I know that is not always the case. After reading tons and tons of words written by girls and ladies just like me who have fought this battle for years still to no avail. I CAN NOT fight like for years. Every month takes such an enormous toil on me, on Josh(even though he would never add more stress to me by saying it out loud, on my relationship with God, and on our marriage. I pray, I pray, I pray........and yet here I sit......hearing the "good" news from yet someone else......just not us. It's hard not to THINK about it or not to get your hopes up when you're having to interpret every sign your body might make to let you know what is going on or "where" you are.

Roller Coaster

So I'm kind of bummed. Yesterday I called the doctor to find out the results of my CD 21 labwork and the nurse informed me that I didn't even ovulate this month. I had been so hopeful. It's hard to explain. I know that God is in control. It just hurts---even so. I know that He created me and thus put these very emotions inside of me so I think He understands. I'm not mad, not bitter......just disappointed.

The up side is that they're letting me start clomid this coming up cycle instead of waiting for 2 months like I was previously told.

I don't have "absolute proof" that we didn't get our miracle this month yet but from what the doctor's office said it seems unlikely. There is still that small glimmer of hope, though. I'll fan it until I know for sure. And then I'll hope and I'll pray for next month. Like I've said before.......Josh and I both feel like things are "changing" in our lives right now and we're hoping that this is our year and that God will intervene........have I said lately how thankful I am to have a husband of God??? He has been wonderful.......tolerating my mood swings, picking up the slack and doing most(well ALL but the bills) of the day to day house duties. He doesn't even complain on the days where I can barely get out of bed......much less be " cheerful company" for him. I'm trying with all of my heart to fight these negative feelings. I'm trying to keep the joy of the Lord in my heart. Somedays are just harder than others.....and well....today is one of those days. It makes all of the difference, though, knowing that when I don't know what else to do or what else to say........I can always just lift my hands up towards heaven and speak God's praise and He will comfort me.

"Thank You For Loving Me"

What love the Father has lavished on us
That we should be called His sons and daughters
Precious in His sight
Greater love this world had never seen
When He hung on that tree
O why would He do such a thing
For dirty sinners like you and me

O God Thank You for loving me
When on the cross You made history
Lord You died for me
Forever my praise will go to Thee
O God thank You for choosing me
To be Your child and bear Your name
O Jesus I will never cease to sing Your praise

Your love is patient and humble and kind
It's greater than ally my sin
It always protects and trusts and hopes
And will have no end
It's Your love that lifted me up from the depths
Set my feet on a solid rock
With a firm place to stand
Lord I always will trust in Your loving hand

How wide how long
How high how deep
How endless is Your love for me
How wide how long
How high how deep
How endless is Your love for me

This song has been on my heart since I heard it Wednesday night. It is absolutely beautiful. It's like God is showing me such a sweet and precious side of Himself that I've never seen before. During my day when those feeling of panic or anger or confusion start to creep up I'm reminded of the ultimate.....the outcome of EVERYTHING. The truth is....when we get to heaven no longer will our hearts be broken by the burden of barreness....no longer will our bodies be inadequate or broken. I believe with all of my heart that the moment we take in the sight of our King that EVERYTHING will perish except the beauty and the wonder of Him. During those times when I can't bear to think of the "what ifs" I turn my face toward heaven and know in my heart that there will be an end to our suffering. There will be joy everlasting that NOTHING on this earth could give..........not one baby or a thousand babies. When we can't see God's hand................we trust His heart.

2 Week Wait

The famous "2 week wait" should be banned. Really. There should be a test that lets you know the day after..........really! What I know in my heart and soul gets put to the test I think the most in these 2 weeks. As I analyze every little sign and symptom that my body does it's really hard to keep the faith and stay positive. I'm hopeful.......oh am I hopeful..........but it's like in the back of my mind I'm trying to prepare myself for disappointment, too. I know myself......and when I fall....I fall hard. I believe in God's faithfulness. I believe in His promises. Why do I doubt? I find myself trying to fill my time and be involved as much as possible. Staying busy will hopefully help.

Josh and I joined the choir at church this week. At our first practice I'm sitting there when a very prego lady walks in and sits in front of me and beside her sits a young woman with an infant. I'm like....really God.....just what I need. Only after practice while sharing with my step-mom about where my heart is at do I find out that the pregnant lady.....yeah.....she had a full-term still born last year and has had at least 1 miscarriage since. And the new mom.......she's had to endure miscarriages, too. Wow. So often I find myself making assumptions about people from the outside and I find myself envying them and their perfect little lives. How many times am I wrong and don't even know it? So many times I find myself having a pity party but then from time to time God's reveals things and I get the "SEE" that this is not the worst thing that could ever happen to me.(although right now it really feels like it) I know it's not. Although my heart feels like it can't go on like this; God's teaching me to place it in His hands and live. I wan't joy in my life. My heart and my mind say this is impossible without an answer to our prayer but my spirit says.......everyday........live. My prayer is that in the little everyday things that God will give my joy and fill my life at a time where the wait seems to go on forever.

Oh yeah......and the first song that we practiced at choir practice just "happened" to be the very song that has been on Josh and my heart for the last week. We had searched and searched iTunes and couldn't find it. We finally had to google the lyrics and find it that way. Out of ALL of the songs in the whole wide world He put the exact song that had been our cry and our prayer in the wee hours of the morning and that helped to get us through some tough questions there......for us! Great is His faithfulness!!!

By the way....the song.....it's called "When I don't know what to do" by Tommy Walker

Mother's Day

So last night I had a total meltdown. I would have thought that it would have happened today (Mother's Day) but no......it was yesterday......after spending the evening with family. For the first time my in-laws house had life in the form that only children running around can bring. I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness that it wasn't Josh and I that had brought that life. We were the oldest "kids" there but yet the only ones alone without children of their own. Maybe it was the way my mother-in-law lit up when the children arrived.....or seeing her handmade outfits hanging on the mantle where our babies outfits should have been. Maybe it was her first Grandmother card that she received and how she almost cried when she read it. Knowing that I couldn't be the one to provide that joy to her.
I had all the time in the world....to visit.....to eat my crawfish......to stick around until late........and I was miserable! I wouldn't trade my expanding family for anything in the world and I think their children are just precious but it just seemed wrong, you know. Surrounded by family and friends I felt very alone. I was proud of myself for holding it together while there.....but when I got home.....that was a different story. I am extremely grateful and blessed to have the husband that I do. He argued with me. He cried with me. He held me. He prayed with me. Most importantly, though; he believed with me. It was awesome. Right in our room, in our little house, at midnight......we had church! I shared with him some of my frustrations and how I feel confused at times between what logic says and what God says. It's something that has been on my mind a lot lately.......as much as I try to believe with all of my heart and soul......doubt sometimes finds it way in into the corners of my heart. I'm not proud of it at all.
We decided to go to church with Josh's parents this morning for Mother's Day and I'm not going to lie....I was nervous. I did not want to have another meltdown....especially not one in a church that wasn't even my home church. Josh was extra attentive the whole morning....I think that he knew I was just a second away from niagra falls. Our first person that greeted us when we came into the church looked at me and smiled really big and said "Happy Mother's Day.....are you a mother?".......I was stunned. I don't know how but for the grace of God I was able to smile back politely and say "No, but thank you." Somehow(thank you father) as soon as I walked away I saw that just exactly for what it was and silently rebuked any form(even an old man) that satan would try and use to steal away my joy today. God had worked in my heart and as Josh said to me last night.......it didn't matter where we went to church today.....we were bringing Jesus with us!
When the message started I was once again blown away with God. I don't know why I ever limit Him and doubt His abilities to reach His children. Guess what was a major part of the sermon????? Choosing to believe and realize that there is a spirital answer or conclusion to every logical answer or conclusion. How many times have I believed for my miracle and then later thought about what my body was supposed to be doing but wasn't or what the "usual" outcomes in situations like mine were. God acknowledged my doubts and my confusion and spoke right to it and said "I know sometimes it doesn't make sense but trust me. My answer is all that matters."
The main part of the sermon was from Ezekiel about the dry bones and speaking to them as though they were and believing as though it once was!!! I could hardly contain myself in my little pew. My insides were dancing! This message was just for ME!!!! God was speaking to me. I had been praying about several different things and EVERY ONE of them were touched on and acknowledged. Thank you Jesus for knowing.....even before I did.....that we would be at that church on that day and then using your servent to speak to one of your children. It was very encouraging. It just confirmed exactly what Josh and I have been believing.

Back to Reality

There's nothing like coming home. After a week away from my own bed I was ready to come back to my plush-ness and to my two very spoiled kitties......as far as the rest of it......well I could do without. It was nice to get away for a few days......soak up the sun (ok----don't know how much of this I did) and dream......dream that the next time we were there it wouldn't be just Josh and me. Watching the families play with their kids at the pool/beach just intensified our longing. It wasn't a painful longing.......it was....hopeful. I don't know how else to put it. God is working. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. For now......I choose to believe that our miracle is near. Josh and I were talking and I shared with him how sometimes I wonder how God chooses who gets to have their prayers answered quickly and who has to wait........and maybe never have their prayers answered in the capacity that they were placed. And the truth is.....I don't know. (oh how I wish that I did!) I told him that I feel selfish to believe with all of my heart and to hope that our prayers will be answered quickly when I read and I hear about so many hearts that have walked through this journey for so long. It breaks my heart. I know for God there is a time for everything. I know this and yet still I question. Honestly I can not imagine walking this road for as long as some of you have. I can't imagine year after year of monthly-----or even weekly blood draws, ultrasounds, and hopes and letdowns!!! As I pray that God will hear our cries and answer us quickly know that I also pray for you. I pray that God will meet you exactly where you are......on this Mother's Day weekend!!! I choose to believe.........that one day soon we'll be included as one of the blessed creatures that get's to be honored on this day. Sometimes.....I think my family thinks that I'm crazy. I think they think that I have "gone off of the deep end" in my......(as it was once referred to)--obsession to have a child. Well, at times I would partially have to agree.....BUT.......I do know that there is something in this world so strong that no one's name calling or crazy looks can intimidate.......a mother's love. Even though I can't physically hold my child(ren)-YET-......I'm fighting with everthing that I have for them. Today.....I choose to believe....for me and for all of the girls that have walked this barren road.



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Relax

Well, if anyone has experienced one bit of trouble trying to conceive no doubt you have heard the famous...."Relax. Don't stress." Yeah, well easier said then done when the first thing you have to think of in the morning before your head even comes off of the pillow is.....what is my temp? What CD is this? Chart,Chart,Chart. I know most people are well meaning, but I read once that it's almost like an insult and well......that's what it feels like sometimes.





All of you well meaning people out there.....you'll be glad to know that this week I'm going to try my hardest to take your advice. Josh and I are leaving today to go to the beach. And I'm bringing no thermometers, no OPK's, no computer(this will be the hardest I think).....just us and our bibles. I'm praying for a renewal time this week and for just maybe......a miracle.



I'm praying for some sunshine, a comfy bed, and some well needed quality time with my sweetheart.

day 1

I remember when I was 16 being at church camp wondering(don't have a clue what I was doing thinking about this at the time) if I would ever be able to have children. I remember knowing that people would pity me if I couldn't. It became easier just to "brush" it off and tell people that "I wasn't having kids at all or not for a REALLY long time". I think deep down it was to cover up the possibility that it may never happen for me.

Skip a couple of years to college; I remember being at a youth conference with my future concerning having kids weighing heavily upon my heart. I remember looking down from our balcony seats and seeing a family standing on the arena floor. A mother, a father, and 2 little girls in dresses. In that moment I felt like God spoke to me and assured me that that would be me one day.......that I would be blessed with children from my womb.

Fast forward to now. I never knew what a broken heart was until now. Knowing in the back of my mind that infertility was probably in my future at some point NEVER prepared me for what I've felt in the last year. I thought that I was doing everything right. I graduated college....I married my high school sweetheart who loved the Lord as much as I did. We worked, we bought a house, we saved,saved,saved or $ so that "when the time was right" I would be able work part-time and be a stay at home mom most of the time. I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought it would be like this. It started slow, you know, the first little thoughts of "maybe we're ready to start trying". I was so hopeful. Even after 3 years of being off of birth control I wasn't completely broken. When did that change? Did it happen overnight? When did wanting a child progess to longing for a child, aching for a child, grieving for a child?

Some would say that my journey has probably only just begun. Only God knows that for sure. I do know that I'm not the same as I was. Isn't it funny(not at the time) that when we're the most broken is when we can hear God the best. Through this intense,unrelenting grief God has shown me glimpses of himself that I know I would have never seen without. This weekend at work(night shift) I heard a song on K-love called "Before the morning" by Josh Wilson. I sobbed when I heard it. I'm sure the other nurses thought I was crazy. This is my cry, my prayer, my plea:

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you'll see you'll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It's just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning.