One Year Ago

What difference does a year really make? Well, in my case....all of the difference in the world! One year ago we attended our "nephew"(Josh's cousin's son's) first birthday party.....feeling so out of place because this was a "kid's" birthday party.....and we had no kids. I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams that a year from that day we'd be "part of the crowd" so to speak. It's amazing how once you are a parent you instantly "fit" in. I have been to more kid's birthday parties since Gracie has been born than I think I had been to in the last ten years. :)
For the very first time I felt like I could really celebrate the child's birthday in which I was attending. I know it sounds horrible but I guess I was always feeling so out of place in the past and longing to be at that place in life that I never really enjoyed or celebrated. It feels great. I am a party planner and hostess by nature so naturally I'm itching to plan and host Gracie's birthday parties. I'm sure it will be seen as "overdone" by some in the family but I don't really care. Josh and I have a beautiful little girl to celebrate and I intend to celebrate her to the fullest!
Things are settling in for us at the Mejia household. We are getting the hang of this parent thing (for now) and our schedules are actually becoming quite routine.....(shocker)...I know. Those of you who keep up with my crazy work adventure know that my floor (finally) shut down after threatening to do so for the last 8 years that I had been there. It was sad......well...more than sad.....but I actually feel like for once in the last 8 years I have some "stability" in my job and can make future plans. For so long we felt like our life was on hold financially because we didn't want to depend on my salary with so much instability at work and with fertility costs. I feel like for the first time in a long time I can actually sit back and take a deep breath. Now....I'm not saying learning a new job/people doesn't suck but boy am I grateful to have that job and have it worked around Josh's schedule so that for now we can delay the dreaded "daycare" need. Life is good. We are cherishing each day and loving our baby girl. She is an amazing little creature. It's so funny to see her picking up some of our traits and ways. I swear she is even starting to look a bit like my baby pictures. She is one special girl. I love to watch her grandparents interact with her. It warms my heart. Those are the sort of things that make all of the lost sleep worth it!

Our Miracle

So it's been a little while....well....maybe a long while. It sure hasn't seemed that way to me. Time seems to fly by when your days are filled with making bottles and changing diapers......that's right....you heard me correctly. Lost, are you? Surprised, are you? Well we were too! My 28th birthday (11/19/10) came and went without a hitch....except me kicking and screaming all the way. I could not believe that once again a birthday was passing without me being a mommy. I really felt a sense of urgency and quite frankly a sense of despair. Even though the few months prior had actually been ok in terms of "infertility emotions" this birthday seemed to hit hard. I was so mad at myself because I had been doing so good staying "positive" and trusting that God had a perfect plan for my life. That day was just hard. My family literally had to drag me to celebrate my own birthday dinner. I was a wreck. The day came and went and so did a quiet Thanksgiving. The Sunday following Thanksgiving was Josh's birthday and I tried my hardest to get off of work(not to mention I really had been sick since the day after my birthday....I mean...I was even too sick for black Friday shopping) I still had to go in. I had been up ALL day...literally...since like 5:00am. I felt like crying as I left Josh at home that evening (on his Birthday) to go into work....pouting. Little did I know that that night would change the rest of my life....and all of those around me. You see, an angel baby was born at 5:10 that morning.....shortly after I woke up....on Josh's birthday....that God had created all along....just for us. He took a situation that seemed so bleak to one mother....and a situation that seemed almost hopeless to another by this point...and He reached down His hands from heaven and gathered those two mothers together....at the right place...at the right time....and He breathed His breath of life. Two days later we brought home our 5lb 11.2oz beautiful, perfect baby girl that the only name that we could mutter for her was Grace. God's Grace. His sweet Grace that we did not deserve or see coming. His sweet Grace that we never could have imagined in our wildest dreams. His plan...His purpose...now it all made perfect sense. God had been preparing my heart.....for a long time for this miracle. There was a time when I was so closed off to the thought of giving up my dreams of a biological child and "settling" for adoption. Boy was I wrong! I even refused to read that chapter in the book that had helped me thru many days. Somewhere along the way, though, I felt my heart being tugged on. I felt a part of my broken heart being opened for a little girl that I didn't even know about yet. Honestly, I can't imagine things any other way, now. I can not imagine ever loving a baby more than I love Grace Danielle. She has brought life to our house. Her smile shines brighter than any form of natural or artificial light this world could produce. Her smile shines straight into my soul. This is what Josh and I were made for. This is what God had been preparing us for. He has given us the most amazing gift to love and to guide...to raise up knowing Him. I will never let her forget just how big God is.....how much He loves us....for everyday when I look into her eyes...I will be reminded of this. Now....four months and 12lbs 7oz later.....our days are a lot busier than before.....but we would not have it any other way. When my head lays on my pillow at the end of the day I am completely at peace. Praise God for His faithfulness. And His Joy that comes in the mourning!!

Summertime

What is it about summer? The days seem to fly by. I used to think it was because those were the only days in which I was "free" from the confines of school and order. I could sleep as late as I wanted and summer usually meant vacation in Alabama........family, the river, fireworks........ahhh the good ole' days! Now that I'm grown only one thing has changed. Work is here no matter the season. For some reason, though, even with the longest days of the whole year......they seem to fly by still.

It's weird that even though time seems to be passing so quickly this year that I still find myself waiting. Waiting for the go ahead from my doctor and my body to begin a new cycle of treatment. I know I've proclaimed several "parts" of this whole process to be my least favorite......but really....this time that I'm in right now has got to be the worst! Waiting.......waiting......waiting. Not really any bad news for a few weeks but just no news at all. I'm left waiting...and wondering if maybe our miracle has come and we just don't know it yet, or if my body is trying to "kick" itself into gear to begin another round, or if it's just not cooperating. During this time things seem to be quiet.......from the doctor's office, from my body, and even from God. I know that sometimes He gives us seasons of "quietness".......and I'm ok. Over the last couple of weeks some things have really been impressed upon my heart as I ponder and pray about things. A certain contemporary christian song comes to mind, actually....." I'm trading my sorrows" I have heard this song for years....and it's always been ok.......until now. Now it's my anthem. Isn't it funny how God can take something that you've heard or read for years and then reveal it to you again when you need it the most. Yes....I am waiting. Yes....I am wondering. Yes.....at times I'm even questioning..............but no matter what......the joy of the Lord will be my strength. Though the sorrow may last for the night.........the joy comes in the morning!

M.I.A.

So they tell me my follicles (which hold the eggs) disappeared. I just don't believe it. Where did it go in just 2 days?(We had seen via u/s a big growing egg just 2 days before) Hmmmmm........could God be at work here. Josh and I have been feeling throughout our prayers that God is telling us the answer is on it's way. Soon. I'm believing He's working here....this did not happen by chance. The day of the u/s (last Wed.) I wasn't ok....but thanks to God's faithfulness and a believing husband and father/mother-in-law now I am. Did you know that you could have prayer meeting in your bedroom??....I mean....good "old fashioned" cry your heart out prayer meeting...yep! Of course Josh's whole nightstand/curtains got annointed right there along with my head by mistake.....yes.....my sweet husband spilled the WHOLE bottle of annointing oil on our nightstand. He says-"Wow. The wood is really going to be shiny now". --gotta love him! But truly----it was a special time. One of many lately. I've been married to Josh for 5 years and we've been "together" as a couple of 11 but NEVER have I felt as connected as I have to him lately. Yes- we have prayed together in the past. I remember a very special night in Mexico on the floor at the mission we were staying at where I believe God spoke to both of us and told us we were meant for each other but WOW---the intimate times with God we have been having!! I really believe that when your heart is totally broken (which ours seems to be more and more by the day) you can stand(or in our case-fall) before God and something really special happens. All the walls are down. When you have nothing else to lose and no where else to turn your attention really focuses on Him. I praise God for my believing husband who has been such a pillar of strength and wisdom for me on those days where I just break and feel like I want to give up. Yes-infertility has placed stress on our marriage BUT God has used to to bring us closer than we EVER have been before. I see Josh's heart in a new way each and every time he holds me and hurts because I hurt---each time I see him bow before Almighty God and plead for Him to make a way. It's a humbling experience.

I go for -MORE- bloodwork today. yay. We're looking to see if indeed I did ovulate even though my follies were M.I.A. Maybe we'll see high numbers....maybe we won't but I know that God's working.......that's all that matters!

Jesus I trust you.
I remember your promises.
Your faithfulness amazes me each and every day.
Even when my heart is filled with doubt you remain.
Steadfast...standing in the gap for me.
Oh Lord I am honored to be called a daughter of God.
I am blessed beyond measure to be held in your hand.
I know that before you even formed me in my mother's womb you knew me.
You knew everything about me.
Nothing that has happened in my life and nothing that will ever happen in my life is a surprise to you.
Just as the sun rises each morning so is your love for your children.
You know my heart.
You know my hopes.
You know my dreams.
You know my fears.
I search to know your heart.
I run with every fiber of my being after you.
May your wonders never cease in my life.
May I grow to love you more with each passing day.
You are my God.
You are my love.
You are my life.

Clomid

This is our first clomid cycle. I'm not quite sure of what to expect. I've heard such horror stories of clomid symptoms and keep thinking to myself........how am I going to work while being a total basket case. I'm on day #3 of 5 pills and no symptoms yet other than a light headache off and on. I'm experiencing a calmness that is unlike me. I claim that it's God sent and have prayed continuously for Jesus' peace.....I guess I just doubted to be quite honest that I could actually experience it. It's a weird feeling. Someone one the "outside" would probably read that I'm distancing myself from a letdown or a failed cycle......but no.......it's more like I'm ok. I'm ok because I know that God loves me. It's just that simple.....hard to explain really....other than just that......God loves me. Nothing.....NOTHING....can ever seperate me from His love. There's a peace in knowing that I've given my heart's desires to Him and knowing that He knows what is best for my life. Although I would have never thought before.....there is a freedom in giving over the control.(Like He wasn't always, anyways. LOL.) For myself, though, giving up the reigns that I so often try and cling to was hard........but the peace that follows.....wow. I'm excited about the weeks to come....looking forward to seeing what God has planned for our lives.....but I'm not "chomping" at the bit like usual. Thank you Jesus, for the little things that are such big things to me.

Another One...........still patiently(well...sometimes) waiting

Today I find out that another couple in our "group" is going to have a baby. They have been married for less than a year and both have at least 6 years on both Josh and I. It just seems unfair. I am trying to be happy for them.....and I am......it's what they desire.....but I can't help not to wonder........WHY???? Why not us God? Why not now? Financially we are in much better standing than most of our friends. We've been married longer than almost all of them. We have a big family support system. WHY?????? I think I'm entering into the angry side of things. I can say what I want and say that I don't feel a certain way but the truth is that deep down...I do. I don't understand. I don't understand why God would put such a strong desire and longing for children and then not bless?????? Yes, people want to tell you that in time.....most people go on to have kids......it just takes a while; but I know that is not always the case. After reading tons and tons of words written by girls and ladies just like me who have fought this battle for years still to no avail. I CAN NOT fight like for years. Every month takes such an enormous toil on me, on Josh(even though he would never add more stress to me by saying it out loud, on my relationship with God, and on our marriage. I pray, I pray, I pray........and yet here I sit......hearing the "good" news from yet someone else......just not us. It's hard not to THINK about it or not to get your hopes up when you're having to interpret every sign your body might make to let you know what is going on or "where" you are.