Mother's Day

So last night I had a total meltdown. I would have thought that it would have happened today (Mother's Day) but no......it was yesterday......after spending the evening with family. For the first time my in-laws house had life in the form that only children running around can bring. I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness that it wasn't Josh and I that had brought that life. We were the oldest "kids" there but yet the only ones alone without children of their own. Maybe it was the way my mother-in-law lit up when the children arrived.....or seeing her handmade outfits hanging on the mantle where our babies outfits should have been. Maybe it was her first Grandmother card that she received and how she almost cried when she read it. Knowing that I couldn't be the one to provide that joy to her.
I had all the time in the world....to visit.....to eat my crawfish......to stick around until late........and I was miserable! I wouldn't trade my expanding family for anything in the world and I think their children are just precious but it just seemed wrong, you know. Surrounded by family and friends I felt very alone. I was proud of myself for holding it together while there.....but when I got home.....that was a different story. I am extremely grateful and blessed to have the husband that I do. He argued with me. He cried with me. He held me. He prayed with me. Most importantly, though; he believed with me. It was awesome. Right in our room, in our little house, at midnight......we had church! I shared with him some of my frustrations and how I feel confused at times between what logic says and what God says. It's something that has been on my mind a lot lately.......as much as I try to believe with all of my heart and soul......doubt sometimes finds it way in into the corners of my heart. I'm not proud of it at all.
We decided to go to church with Josh's parents this morning for Mother's Day and I'm not going to lie....I was nervous. I did not want to have another meltdown....especially not one in a church that wasn't even my home church. Josh was extra attentive the whole morning....I think that he knew I was just a second away from niagra falls. Our first person that greeted us when we came into the church looked at me and smiled really big and said "Happy Mother's Day.....are you a mother?".......I was stunned. I don't know how but for the grace of God I was able to smile back politely and say "No, but thank you." Somehow(thank you father) as soon as I walked away I saw that just exactly for what it was and silently rebuked any form(even an old man) that satan would try and use to steal away my joy today. God had worked in my heart and as Josh said to me last night.......it didn't matter where we went to church today.....we were bringing Jesus with us!
When the message started I was once again blown away with God. I don't know why I ever limit Him and doubt His abilities to reach His children. Guess what was a major part of the sermon????? Choosing to believe and realize that there is a spirital answer or conclusion to every logical answer or conclusion. How many times have I believed for my miracle and then later thought about what my body was supposed to be doing but wasn't or what the "usual" outcomes in situations like mine were. God acknowledged my doubts and my confusion and spoke right to it and said "I know sometimes it doesn't make sense but trust me. My answer is all that matters."
The main part of the sermon was from Ezekiel about the dry bones and speaking to them as though they were and believing as though it once was!!! I could hardly contain myself in my little pew. My insides were dancing! This message was just for ME!!!! God was speaking to me. I had been praying about several different things and EVERY ONE of them were touched on and acknowledged. Thank you Jesus for knowing.....even before I did.....that we would be at that church on that day and then using your servent to speak to one of your children. It was very encouraging. It just confirmed exactly what Josh and I have been believing.