day 1

I remember when I was 16 being at church camp wondering(don't have a clue what I was doing thinking about this at the time) if I would ever be able to have children. I remember knowing that people would pity me if I couldn't. It became easier just to "brush" it off and tell people that "I wasn't having kids at all or not for a REALLY long time". I think deep down it was to cover up the possibility that it may never happen for me.

Skip a couple of years to college; I remember being at a youth conference with my future concerning having kids weighing heavily upon my heart. I remember looking down from our balcony seats and seeing a family standing on the arena floor. A mother, a father, and 2 little girls in dresses. In that moment I felt like God spoke to me and assured me that that would be me one day.......that I would be blessed with children from my womb.

Fast forward to now. I never knew what a broken heart was until now. Knowing in the back of my mind that infertility was probably in my future at some point NEVER prepared me for what I've felt in the last year. I thought that I was doing everything right. I graduated college....I married my high school sweetheart who loved the Lord as much as I did. We worked, we bought a house, we saved,saved,saved or $ so that "when the time was right" I would be able work part-time and be a stay at home mom most of the time. I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought it would be like this. It started slow, you know, the first little thoughts of "maybe we're ready to start trying". I was so hopeful. Even after 3 years of being off of birth control I wasn't completely broken. When did that change? Did it happen overnight? When did wanting a child progess to longing for a child, aching for a child, grieving for a child?

Some would say that my journey has probably only just begun. Only God knows that for sure. I do know that I'm not the same as I was. Isn't it funny(not at the time) that when we're the most broken is when we can hear God the best. Through this intense,unrelenting grief God has shown me glimpses of himself that I know I would have never seen without. This weekend at work(night shift) I heard a song on K-love called "Before the morning" by Josh Wilson. I sobbed when I heard it. I'm sure the other nurses thought I was crazy. This is my cry, my prayer, my plea:

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you'll see you'll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It's just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning.