Summertime

What is it about summer? The days seem to fly by. I used to think it was because those were the only days in which I was "free" from the confines of school and order. I could sleep as late as I wanted and summer usually meant vacation in Alabama........family, the river, fireworks........ahhh the good ole' days! Now that I'm grown only one thing has changed. Work is here no matter the season. For some reason, though, even with the longest days of the whole year......they seem to fly by still.

It's weird that even though time seems to be passing so quickly this year that I still find myself waiting. Waiting for the go ahead from my doctor and my body to begin a new cycle of treatment. I know I've proclaimed several "parts" of this whole process to be my least favorite......but really....this time that I'm in right now has got to be the worst! Waiting.......waiting......waiting. Not really any bad news for a few weeks but just no news at all. I'm left waiting...and wondering if maybe our miracle has come and we just don't know it yet, or if my body is trying to "kick" itself into gear to begin another round, or if it's just not cooperating. During this time things seem to be quiet.......from the doctor's office, from my body, and even from God. I know that sometimes He gives us seasons of "quietness".......and I'm ok. Over the last couple of weeks some things have really been impressed upon my heart as I ponder and pray about things. A certain contemporary christian song comes to mind, actually....." I'm trading my sorrows" I have heard this song for years....and it's always been ok.......until now. Now it's my anthem. Isn't it funny how God can take something that you've heard or read for years and then reveal it to you again when you need it the most. Yes....I am waiting. Yes....I am wondering. Yes.....at times I'm even questioning..............but no matter what......the joy of the Lord will be my strength. Though the sorrow may last for the night.........the joy comes in the morning!

M.I.A.

So they tell me my follicles (which hold the eggs) disappeared. I just don't believe it. Where did it go in just 2 days?(We had seen via u/s a big growing egg just 2 days before) Hmmmmm........could God be at work here. Josh and I have been feeling throughout our prayers that God is telling us the answer is on it's way. Soon. I'm believing He's working here....this did not happen by chance. The day of the u/s (last Wed.) I wasn't ok....but thanks to God's faithfulness and a believing husband and father/mother-in-law now I am. Did you know that you could have prayer meeting in your bedroom??....I mean....good "old fashioned" cry your heart out prayer meeting...yep! Of course Josh's whole nightstand/curtains got annointed right there along with my head by mistake.....yes.....my sweet husband spilled the WHOLE bottle of annointing oil on our nightstand. He says-"Wow. The wood is really going to be shiny now". --gotta love him! But truly----it was a special time. One of many lately. I've been married to Josh for 5 years and we've been "together" as a couple of 11 but NEVER have I felt as connected as I have to him lately. Yes- we have prayed together in the past. I remember a very special night in Mexico on the floor at the mission we were staying at where I believe God spoke to both of us and told us we were meant for each other but WOW---the intimate times with God we have been having!! I really believe that when your heart is totally broken (which ours seems to be more and more by the day) you can stand(or in our case-fall) before God and something really special happens. All the walls are down. When you have nothing else to lose and no where else to turn your attention really focuses on Him. I praise God for my believing husband who has been such a pillar of strength and wisdom for me on those days where I just break and feel like I want to give up. Yes-infertility has placed stress on our marriage BUT God has used to to bring us closer than we EVER have been before. I see Josh's heart in a new way each and every time he holds me and hurts because I hurt---each time I see him bow before Almighty God and plead for Him to make a way. It's a humbling experience.

I go for -MORE- bloodwork today. yay. We're looking to see if indeed I did ovulate even though my follies were M.I.A. Maybe we'll see high numbers....maybe we won't but I know that God's working.......that's all that matters!

Jesus I trust you.
I remember your promises.
Your faithfulness amazes me each and every day.
Even when my heart is filled with doubt you remain.
Steadfast...standing in the gap for me.
Oh Lord I am honored to be called a daughter of God.
I am blessed beyond measure to be held in your hand.
I know that before you even formed me in my mother's womb you knew me.
You knew everything about me.
Nothing that has happened in my life and nothing that will ever happen in my life is a surprise to you.
Just as the sun rises each morning so is your love for your children.
You know my heart.
You know my hopes.
You know my dreams.
You know my fears.
I search to know your heart.
I run with every fiber of my being after you.
May your wonders never cease in my life.
May I grow to love you more with each passing day.
You are my God.
You are my love.
You are my life.

Clomid

This is our first clomid cycle. I'm not quite sure of what to expect. I've heard such horror stories of clomid symptoms and keep thinking to myself........how am I going to work while being a total basket case. I'm on day #3 of 5 pills and no symptoms yet other than a light headache off and on. I'm experiencing a calmness that is unlike me. I claim that it's God sent and have prayed continuously for Jesus' peace.....I guess I just doubted to be quite honest that I could actually experience it. It's a weird feeling. Someone one the "outside" would probably read that I'm distancing myself from a letdown or a failed cycle......but no.......it's more like I'm ok. I'm ok because I know that God loves me. It's just that simple.....hard to explain really....other than just that......God loves me. Nothing.....NOTHING....can ever seperate me from His love. There's a peace in knowing that I've given my heart's desires to Him and knowing that He knows what is best for my life. Although I would have never thought before.....there is a freedom in giving over the control.(Like He wasn't always, anyways. LOL.) For myself, though, giving up the reigns that I so often try and cling to was hard........but the peace that follows.....wow. I'm excited about the weeks to come....looking forward to seeing what God has planned for our lives.....but I'm not "chomping" at the bit like usual. Thank you Jesus, for the little things that are such big things to me.